apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
