Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
