Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
should my penis look like a turkey
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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