Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
