Already got asked if we're dating
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
