I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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