I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
