the condom got lost in my hair
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
