The maid of honor just puked.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
