dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
