I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
