i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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