By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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