Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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