when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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