Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
