Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize