Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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