and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
