I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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