You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
