I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
