my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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