I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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