Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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