Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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