she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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