nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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