i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
