I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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