i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
