the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
