So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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