oh god the rape fog is back!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
