we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize