I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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