My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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