sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
