i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
