Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My dick has a subreddit
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
