i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
