Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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