I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
