Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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