you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
