so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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