member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
