I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
