new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
