my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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