She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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