Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
