someone threw a dead crab at me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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