it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
